What Is Social Insecurity?

Do you struggle to make conversation or keep a conversation going after the first couple of minutes? Does mingling with others at a social gathering or going on a first date send you into panic mode? 

If this sounds like you, don’t worry, you’re not alone. It’s actually quite common for people to feel socially insecure at times. In fact, over 60% of people have experienced social anxiety or shyness at one point. 

Shyness, social insecurity, and difficulty making friends are common problems among people of all ages and backgrounds and are nothing to be ashamed of. They are merely a fear of being judged.

The truth is we are not born with social skills, it’s something we learn from an early age through to adulthood. But the good news is that with practice and some coping skills, you can overcome social insecurity. You can lessen the fear and anxiety of socialising and improve your overall well-being. 

You see, as humans, our mental and emotional health depends on us being social. Studies have proven that people with strong social ties are less likely to suffer anxiety and depression. Yet so many people are shy, socially insecure, or introverted. They are unsure of what to say, or worry about what others might think.

Unfortunately, socially insecure people are often misunderstood, appearing rude, standoffish, or arrogant. But the truth is they just don’t know how to come out of their shell.

What are the Benefits of Overcoming Social Insecurity?

Overcoming social insecurity has both physical and mental health benefits.  

Those who are socially adept have lower rates of anxiety and depression, have higher self-esteem and higher self-worth.  

A socially adept person has greater confidence in themselves and their ability to interact with others and situations. They take chances with confidence and act on opportunities, opening life’s door to new experiences.  

Overcoming social insecurity is important to building relationships, both personal and professional. A socially adept person has the confidence to approach people and situations where a socially insecure person dares not to try. Unfortunately, this is where the socially insecure are left wondering what might have been.  

They are left wondering;

• Did I miss the promotion because I couldn’t speak up and show my worth?
• Did I miss the opportunity for a new relationship because I couldn’t approach that person across the room? 

And it stands to reason that the more you want it, the harder it is to speak up or make the move.  

So, how do you overcome social insecurity? 

8 Tips on How to Overcome Social Insecurity

1. Ask Open Ended Questions

If you have trouble starting or engaging in a conversation (or making it last longer than 2 minutes), it’s good to ask open-ended questions. When you ask open-ended questions you invite the other person to talk. Most people like to talk about themselves, and it takes the pressure off you to talk about yourself.

It doesn’t mean you won’t have to talk but you are directing the conversation to a topic of your choice. A topic you are comfortable with and one you can be prepared to respond to with your story.

An example of an open-ended question is “What did you do for Christmas?” instead of “How was your Christmas?” The answer immediately goes from a one-sentence “Christmas was great” to a story about what they did.  

2. Be an Engaged Listener

Engaged listening includes listening to the words of others being spoken, hearing their tone of voice, and being aware of their body language. It’s about better understanding the other person and making them feel understood and not just heard.  

Engaged listening requires you to stay present and focus wholly on the other person. So, face them with open body language and try not to cross your arms because this can look defensive or closed. 

Also, don’t interrupt, listen without judgment, and show you are listening by nodding and asking questions.  

By showing you are focused and interested you are making the other person feel valued. They are then more likely to engage in a conversation with you.  

3. Be Prepared with Conversation Starters

One of the easiest ways to overcome your social insecurity is to be prepared with conversation starters.  

Conversation starters can turn an unpleasant silence into a great conversation and once again you are inviting the other person to do the talking. 

We recommend this book “Conversation Starters: 1,000 Creative Ways to Talk to Anyone about Anything” which will help you on your way to overcoming insecurity in conversations.

4. Embrace Your Wonderful Self

Trying to be something you’re not only leads to disaster. You are enough and what others think of you is never as bad as what you think of yourself. So, embrace your wonderful self and walk into a room with confidence.  

You don’t have to be the centre of attention, but just walking in with self-confidence can help you overcome the initial insecurity. 

5. Give Compliments

Giving someone a compliment makes them feel good. Subsequently, when you make someone feel good, you feel good too. Two feel-good people opens the door to a positive, interesting interaction instead of an awkward silence. 

But please beware, this is not to be done as a fishing expedition for a compliment to be returned. That’s self-indulgent and if it doesn’t happen, you have self-sabotaged yourself and the moment. 

6. Breathe

It is scientifically proven that intentional, conscious breathwork relieves anxiety, increases calm, and allows you to act thoughtfully rather than react emotionally to a situation.   

So, if you start to feel anxious, fearful, or heading into panic mode, breathe. You can do this before a social engagement and during a casual conversation. If you feel the familiar emotions start to take hold go through a breathing exercise to bring you into the present. 

Resonant Breathing is a great one in preparation for an important interaction:

Slowly breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds, then breathe out through your mouth for 6 seconds, feeling your stomach fill up and empty with each inhale and exhale. 

Repeat 6 times, doing it slowly enough so you finish the sixth cycle after a minute.

Mindful Breathing is perfect if you are in a social situation and you start to feel overwhelmed. Just become aware of what is happening to you and then take controlled breaths. Inhale deeply into your belly and exhale slowly, and with each breath feel the anxiety and tension leave your body. This will bring you back to a calm state, ready to continue.

Have a look at this article for more on breathwork and its benefits. 

7. Practice Affirmations

Positive affirmations are a powerful tool for self-confidence. Because when you regularly practice positive affirmations, you are reprogramming your brain to believe what you are repeating is true.  

Start by thinking about what you fear in social interactions and write affirmations to counteract those fears.  

Write them on post-it notes and stick them around your house, on the fridge, or on the bathroom mirror. Then every time you walk past an affirmation repeat it out loud until you believe it. 

Here are a few affirmations you can start with: 

•  I like getting to know people
• I am enough
• I am interesting
• I am worthy
• I can hold my own in a conversation 

8. Challenge Negative Thoughts

It’s likely that when you think of an up-coming social interaction you start to think of all the things that can go wrong.  

Do these sound familiar?

• I have no idea what to say
• I’m going to say the wrong thing
• What if I forget someones name
• Oh the embarrassment of tripping or falling over
• I don’t want to look like an idiot 

Challenging your negative thoughts gives you the opportunity to put your worries and fears into perspective. What’s the worst that can happen if any of these do occur? 

We have a tendency to think others notice our mistakes more than they do, and we are our own worst critics most of the time.  

But in truth, no one thinks any worse of you and they will probably forget all about it way before you do. So, give yourself a break and go into the situation with a carefree attitude, ready to put yourself out there with confidence and positivity. 

Final Words

The fear of disapproval or embarrassment is real, and it makes it hard to step out of your comfort zone. But the benefits of overcoming social insecurity far outweigh the consequences of staying in your social isolation bubble. 

Not every social encounter is going to be perfect, and that’s OK, they don’t have to be. But if you let social insecurity hold you back from new relationships and new experiences, that’s not OK. 

You deserve to live an unlimited life, and overcoming social insecurity is an important step in the process.