Am I Enough -Why Do We Ask This?

Am I enough? This is the question everyone has asked themselves at least once in their lives.

And the short answer is an emphatic “DAMN RIGHT YOU ARE!”

But why do we ask ourselves this? Why do we feel we are not good enough, unsure of our own worth?

The truth is, we are not born into the world with these thoughts and feelings. It’s something we learn from infancy through to adulthood as a result of our environment and life experiences. A culmination of years of events and circumstances that form an inner belief of our own self-worth.

Why Do We Feel the Need to Ask “Am I Enough?”

There are many reasons why we ask ourselves this question, why we doubt our own worth, why we live a limited life.

Parental Approval

It’s a contentious subject because most parents come from a place of love. But in trying to make their child the best possible adult they can be, they inadvertently create a child full of self-doubt and insecurity.

As children we are taught that love and acceptance are conditional, that good things come to those who deserve them. We are taught that to be loved or to make our parents happy we must behave or do something to make them proud. Expectations are placed on achievements and behaviour, and rewards are given when we meet their expectations.

Unfortunately, when we don’t meet our parent’s expectations we feel like we’ve failed. We’ve disappointed the one person we love the most. And that creates the belief that we are not enough.

Parents will tell you that this is how they were raised, that to doubt their love is “stupid”, and of course they love you. They tell you that the reason they place high expectations is because they want the best for you.

As a parent who was an insecure child, I’m telling you we have to do better. We have to find another way to encourage our children to be the best version of themselves. It is our responsibility to them, to make sure they always feel loved. That no matter what happens in life our love is unconditional and unwavering.

Growing Up in the Social Jungle

When kids go to school, they enter a social jungle. Some kids are lions, others the prey, and the prey can be eaten alive. It starts as early as pre-school, continuing all the way through to high school.

It could be as serious as bullying or as simple as a friend telling them that they don’t want to be friends anymore. It could be the love crush rejecting them with a not-so-subtle reason for why they don’t like them. Or an off-hand remark about their weight or different looks. Whatever it is, the rejection hurts and the feelings of unworthiness last long into adulthood.

But as horrible or insensitive as the lion child is, it’s important to remember that they also have their own inner demons, their own self-doubts. Because if they were truly happy and secure within themselves, they would not feel the need to belittle or be better than others.

Read more here on why children are bullies.

Navigating Adulthood with Self-Doubt

If being a kid wasn’t traumatic enough, we then move into adulthood where we must navigate careers and relationships with self-doubt well and truly embedded in our minds.

When you go for the dream job you think you deserve and you are overlooked. Or you try out for a team you think you are perfect for and don’t make the cut.

Your confidence is shot, and the feelings of low self-worth return with a vengeance. The years of rejection and low self-worth come back to haunt you and prove to you once again that you’re not enough. Your objectivity flies out the window.

But here’s where you can change the game. As adults, we are more aware of our feelings and reactions. We have the capability to change how we handle the moment.

 In the moment it is hard not to take it personally. It’s hard to look at the situation objectively and not doubt your self-worth. But with time, space, and a little self-love, you can move past it and not allow it to define your self-worth.

Societal Influences and Self Comparison

There is so much in social media and advertising telling us what the “perfect person” looks like, acts like, and owns.

And when we compare ourselves to the “perfect people” we fall short. They’re skinnier, taller, more confident, and have the best car. We feel like we’re not perfect enough to be loved, accepted, or even noticed.

But think about it honestly. Wouldn’t the world be as boring as bat sh## if we were all a bunch of lookalike drones. And wouldn’t the world be a much better place if we accepted everyone as they are? Each of us our own unique version of ourselves, tall, short, round, lean, all different shapes and sizes, and all with our own certain style.

A wonderfully inclusive world, full of extraordinary human beings!

We are individuals and we should be celebrating ourselves and each other’s differences. Not judging and ridiculing because someone doesn’t fit into the ideal societal mould.

Self-Criticism

Sometimes we are our own worst critics, putting ourselves down with our own thoughts and inner dialogue.

Why is it easier to criticise than to forgive and love ourselves?

Reflect on this; What do you say to yourself when something doesn’t go to plan, or you make a mistake? Do you call yourself an idiot and beat yourself up, or do you forgive yourself and acknowledge that you did the best you could?

Now, think about what you would say to a loved one, or even a stranger, who made the same mistake. Would you call them an idiot or would you treat them with kindness and tell them that it’s OK to not be perfect. That they did their best and it’s OK to be human.

Unfortunately, for most of us, we don’t treat ourselves well. We go straight to self-critical, self-destructive thoughts.

So, why would you not treat yourself the same way you treat others? And if you can’t speak to yourself in a loving, forgiving way, how can you expect others to?

Next time you find yourself about to go into a self-destructive rant over something that went wrong, give this a go.

Stop, think and ask yourself what you’d say to someone else in that moment. Would you ridicule them or try to make them feel better?

Then make the decision to love yourself enough to treat you as would others.

Low Self-Worth

Past thoughts, experiences and memories have a profound effect on how we see ourselves and create an inner belief of self-worth. And if those thoughts, experiences and memories are negative, we invariably end up with low self-worth and a belief of ‘I’m not enough’.

An example of low self-worth is the ‘people pleaser’. A people pleaser measures their self-worth by how they are perceived by others. They will do things just to make others like them or accept them, looking for affirmation that they are worthy of friendship or love.

Doing nice things for others is a loving gesture and creates inner happiness. But to do things just for acceptance or to make someone else happy is not loving yourself.

And doing things out of peer pressure or just to be liked is self-destructive and can be dangerous.

The biggest challenge for a people pleaser is to recognise those moments and resist the urge to do something that’s not self-loving. To stop and ask themselves why they are feeling compelled to act or agree to something. And then make a self-loving choice.

Changing Your Mindset From “Am I Enough?” To “I Am Enough”

Changing your mindset from “Am I enough?” to “I am enough!” is possible. It’s a commitment to yourself that you must want to make for it to change. And it won’t happen immediately, it will take time and perseverance.

But believe me – YOU are worth it!

The first thing to realise is that no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws and that is what is so wonderful about the world. We are all extraordinary individuals doing the best we can, and no matter how hard we try we will never be able to live up to the expectations of everyone.

The best you can do is to be true to yourself, ignore the haters and the naysayers, and live your life loving yourself just as you are.

There’s a saying I love and one I encourage you to embrace while working on your self-growth.

“What other people think of you is none of your business!”

Don’t judge your worth by the opinion of others. Be true to yourself and surround yourself with people you love and those who make you feel good about yourself.

Things to Do to Change from ‘Am I Enough?’ to ‘I Am Enough!’.

Face Your Demons

When you feel the familiar insecurities, the feelings of unworthiness creep up on you, stop and become aware of your thoughts in that moment. Be mindful of what is happening now and what has triggered these feelings. Is the situation really as bad as you think, or are you overreacting as a result of past emotions?

Remove yourself from the emotion and view the situation objectively. Initially, this will be confronting because it means dragging up old memories. Memories of your past that have created your subconscious beliefs and self-doubts. By identifying your triggers you can face and forgive your demons of the past and live in the present, reminding yourself that you are enough.

Read more on Mindfulness here

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Comparing yourself to others is self-destructive and futile. You want to be taller, prettier, funnier, smarter – and the list goes on. The fact is no-one is the same, we all have our own strengths and weaknesses. 

The person you are comparing yourself to may have height, looks or talent, but I can guarantee you, they also compare themselves to others wishing they were different in some way. 

The best we can do is appreciate our unique imperfect selves and embrace our differences.  

I came across this verse a while ago and whenever I catch myself comparing or judging, I stop and remember the words. 

“… when you go out into the woods and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. When you look at the tree, you allow it and you appreciate it and you see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it and you appreciate the tree.

The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying “You’re too this, or I’m too this.” That judging mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.”

— Ram Dass, On Self Judgment

It reminds me that we are all different and have walked our own paths in life. So, whenever I start to judge someone or compare myself to someone, I simply say to myself “We are Trees”.

Self-Love Journal

Journaling has many forms and provides many benefits. Reduced stress, improved productivity and anxiety management are just a few of the benefits of journaling. 

Self-Love journaling is powerful and simple, creating a focus on positive thoughts and feelings. All you have to do is write down the things you like about yourself. Things such as “I love the colour of my eyes” or “I love that I’m compassionate” or “I love that I’m good at my job”. And if you’re having trouble finding anything, ask your family what they love about you and write that down.

Then revisit your journal daily, reciting what you’ve written, and try to add one more thing each day.

Write something you’ve accomplished in the day or celebrate a mini-win. It all adds up and the more you concentrate on the positive you, the less you are concentrating on the self-doubt.

Read more about journalling here

Practice ‘I Am’ Affirmations

Affirmations are more than just feel-good words spoken to lift the spirits. Scientific studies have proven that if you repeat the same thought over and over, you are effectively reprogramming your subconscious mind to believe it to be true.

So, in every way possible, remind yourself daily that you are enough. Write it on the mirror and read it out loud every time you pass by the mirror. Write it on sticky notes and put them around the house. Put them on your computer screen, on your fridge, anywhere you will see it, and repeat it out loud.

Remind yourself as often as you can that you are enough.

Tell yourself that you deserve to be loved and that you are worthy of happiness.

Exercise

Exercise not only has physical benefits but also mental benefits. It releases endorphins in the brain that improves your mood and makes you feel good. And when your mood is good, the feelings of self-doubt and low self-worth are easier to tackle.

It doesn’t matter what type of exercise you do. You can go for a walk, do yoga at home or go for a swim. Just make sure you do something that makes you feel good.

Get up and move!

Do Something Nice For Yourself

If a family member or a friend was feeling down on themselves or just looked sad, what would you do? Ask them what’s wrong and try to cheer them up.

Tell them to get a massage, or take time to watch a feel-good movie?

Well, if you’re feeling down you deserve the same, so do something nice for yourself.

Call a friend and go out for coffee or a glass of wine, or go for a walk on the beach. Get your nails done. Do whatever it takes to cheer yourself up because you’re worth it!

I Am Enough

We are on this earth as extraordinary human beings, to live our best possible lives, true to ourselves.

And when we try to become something other than our own perfectly imperfect selves, we are denying our own self-worth.

So, next time you start to doubt whether you are enough, remind yourself that you are indeed enough, actually you are more than enough. And if someone else can’t see that then they do not deserve to be in your life.

Love yourself enough to choose the right people in your life. Those who bring out the best in you, and who see how magnificent you truly are.

And remember to tell yourself every day.

I AM ENOUGH!